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LANCE DICKMAN FRUSTRATED PERVERT by VIC DEMISE |
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Lately it's become increasingly more difficult for a child molester to make hands-on contact with unattended toddlers or naive schoolchildren.
Everyone between "McGruff" the crime dog and Tipper Gore have rallied against "Bad Touch" so we vehemently that even hanging around a playground
naked isn't safe anymore. Just the other day I tried one of my standard ploys, offering candy, and the little bastard punched me in the balls
and ran screaming for the nearest cop.This was my own child, all I wanted him to do wasclean up his room. Don't get me wrong-I would never fondle
my own son, he reminds me too much of his mother. One cannot imagine the difficulty in achieving satisfaction from disgustingly vile acts nowdays.
hey! I'm a registered sex offender, I've got needs too. Even violating myself has lost it's luster. I was jacking-off out of the upstairs bathroom window yesterday when appareently one of my neighbors spotted me. Instead of alerting the authorties , she yelled up, "Hey, smallstuff, put that thing away, you're making a fool of yourself. Besides, you're attracting vultures!" I looked up and sure enough there were three turkey buzzards circling over the house. Apparently my penis looks like fresh roadkill when fully erect. I suppose this sort of thing can happen if a person mastrubates eighteen times a day. If you squint your eyes the right way, my shaft does indeed resemble an eviscerated opossum. My wife is an unsympathetic bitch. She is well aware of my perversions and claims to love my paychecks, yet she refuses to get "bent" and make peanut clusters on my forehead while calling me "Daddy." I go through the "normal" motions of dinner, movie and missionary position sexual intercourse for her, why can't she get creative and wear the expensive asbestos lingerie I bought while irrigating my colon with a pepper spray and sauer kraut enema? Is that some sort of perverted demand? I'll tell you what a perverted demand is, sitting thriough "Titanic" and acting like you've enjoyed it! Is it any wonder I have a part time job as an undercover security inspector for Eure Santi-can Rentals? If you have ever squatted on the trough in one of those confining dishclosets and felt as if you were being watched, the presumption is well-founded. Through a series of slits, peepholes and angled mirrors, I am observing your pissmaking and fudge pushing. I am authorized by the state board of inspections to witness the status and volume of your business. As the boys at the shop quipped, "Your business is my business." My job is to enforce strict local codes and in some instances write citations for particularly healthy specimens. Usually, anything less than six inches in length is thrown back. Iv'e retrieved, mounted and varnished some beauties that were as long as myu forearm and twice as thick, I keep them in a trophy case in the garage. I've always wondered if i could perform fellatio on myself. So the other day when I was crusing around in my car mastrubating, I gaffer taped my dick to the steering wheel. I pulled into the big parking lot at Wal-Mart and drove around in circles with my tongue hanging out for half an hour, but all i got was an ugly scratch on my fender when I hit that goddamn shopping cart! Oh yeah, and my unit looked like an eviscerated opossum. Editors note: The views of Vic Demise are soley for his own entertainment and not the views of VIER Magazine. |