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A Brief Questionnaire
By Vic Demise

      Greeting, we here at Vier magazine are very interested in what you, the reader, have to say. Our poorly trained staff of glue-sniffing derelicts are always fascinated by melting plastic army men and the opinions of our readers. Now you have an opportunity to participate. The following is a brief questionnaire designed to give us, the knuckle dragging mono-brows who compose the editorial staff, something to laugh at while contemplating our navels after licking South American hallucinogenic tree frogs. So feel free to answer all of these questions as honestly as possible. And then mail them off before July 1, 2001. Because the first questionnaire received with the correct responses* wins an exclusive gift package of:

1. Goat skull
2. Cigarettes
3. Copy of my book -autographed
*All correct answers are D and E. It’s up to you to fill in the blank.

1. I’m so sick of every _______ show on network television, I could puke. A. New B. Damn C. Sac Gargling D. All the above E. _________ 2. When I open the refrigerator door I see: A. Body parts and condiments B. "It’s dark in there, please don’t push me in, Mommy!" C. Beer, ice water, green baloney D. All the above E. _________ 3. Finish the following limerick: Men don’t make passes, at girls... A. Who wears glasses B. Without asses C. With bitchy mothers D. That rode horses E. _________ 4. Fill in the Blanks: If I had a nickel for everytime I ______ I’d be a ________. A. Gave blood for a worthy cause/piss poor S.O.B. B. Made it with a passed out drunk chick/bonfire serial rapist with 50 cents. C. _________ 5. Worst/ best chum: A. Wife B. Girlfriend C. Fishnets D. Elaine Gonzalez E. _________

6. Finish the following sentence: "I’m so damn dumb, I...." A. Locked my keys in the car. B. Got my sister pregnant. C. Caught my penis in my zipper. D. Electrocuted myself in a bathtub full of lime jello with a fancy corded vibrator. E. ____________ 7. Finish this sentence: "I spend far too much time..." A. Molding my own dung into cartoon character shapes. B. Regurgitating bile, then swallowing it. C. Getting probed by aliens D. all of the above E. ____________ 8. My favorite slang term for death is: A. Buy the farm B. Give up the ghost C. End of film D. Yada, Yada, Yada E. ____________ 9. Finish this sentence: "The very essence of this article had led me to believe...." A. That every human is destined to their own morality. B. My kitty is smart C. Houseplants have feelings too. D. I am Rainman E. ____________

      Well, there you have it, the first ever questionnaire for Vier magazine. Dear Reader, please don’t feel obligated to complete this survey as it will make about as much sense to us as a box of rocks. And like, we give a crap anyway. -Vic Demise

Editors NOTE: The views of Vic Demise are soley for his own entertainment and not the views of VIER Magazine.